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Archive for October, 2013

This is going to be a long post.

If you make it to the end, I appreciate you reading.

I’ve been wanting to document the arrival of our son but every time I revisit the night he was born I become so overwhelmed with emotion.

There is nothing quite like the unknown. It is no secret that I had been hoping to have a natural delivery with Timothy. I’ve been talking about it in conversation with friends and family, posting on Facebook and twitter, and reading all kinds of material at home and online. As much as I prepared myself and informed Joseph of all he needed to know/be aware of I still was so unsure what this would all be like, and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around all that took place.

I’m just going to start telling the story, it’s hard trying to preface it with any words that make sense…

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I started having contractions around 11pm while Joseph and I were watching a movie, it was finishing up so I was trying to pay attention to the movie and not the contractions. I was 40 weeks 5 days(almost 6 since it was 11pm). I started feeling them get a little stronger and was telling Joseph maybe I should call my parents but I didn’t want to overreact incase it was false labor. I decided a text would be fine. I knew my dad would probably be awake, he and my mom had planned to take care of Brooklyn while Joseph and I were at the hospital, they live half an hour away – so I just wanted them to be aware I was having some different contractions than normal incase things started picking up. I told Joseph to get some rest (again, thinking it would be awhile before anything significant happened…) and he almost took some NyQuil because he had not been feeling well, but decided DayQuil might be best 😀 glad he chose that option or we might have had a problem.

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About 30 minutes after I texted my dad, I was unable to talk through contractions and they had been consistently 3 minutes apart for about an hour (from 11pm-12am). I never had gradual increase in time, it didn’t start out 20 min….15 min..10…5. Just straight to 3 minutes, with increasing pain. I had been studying pain management techniques and so I am trying to utilize everything my brain knows but I am having trouble even completing thoughts in my head, so I decide to go tell Joseph that it’s probably time to call my parents. I still felt silly at this point – what if a baby was not coming tonight? I decided to call the hospital to make sure that if I came in they would admit me…didn’t wan to make a trip for nothing. You can see, it was a long wait on the phone with the hospital, I answered a slew of questions and then they said come on in! I was relieved, and starting to believe maybe I was actually in “real” labor.

I had packed a bag a few weeks ago, so I was double checking to make sure I had what we needed…becoming increasingly fuzzy minded, this was a little unnerving to me because I had been prepping my mind to go through natural labor and delivery and I was frustrated that I could barely think about where I put my socks…how was I going to remind myself of everything I needed to in order to make it through contractions?

My parents arrived and I don’t think I said one word to them, I just headed straight to the car trying to focus on getting through the pain, my contractions were closer together but I really wasn’t timing them at this point. On our drive to the hospital (only about 10 minutes away) I decided I’d time the next few to make sure I knew incase they asked me. I was feeling them every minute and a half now. I thought “if I get checked in this hospital, and have not made any progress in dilating, I’m going to cry and have a meltdown”. I probably actually said that too, now that I think about it.

By the time we got checked into the hospital and up to our room, it was around 1:30am. My contractions were strong but I just wanted to get “in the computer system” so I could get out of the room and walk around or take a shower, anything to take my mind off the pain…was not trying to just lay in a bed. She checked me and I was 4cm, relief, I was actually progressing! My nurse was fabulous, she had delivered both her boys naturally so she didn’t flinch when I said that was my plan and she said it was fine if I wanted to go walk around or take a shower, so long as my water didn’t break (if it did they would want to monitor his heart and that would mean I’d need to stay in the bed or very close by…so I could utilize a birthing ball). No sooner did she say that…and my water broke. So, fear set in. I had prepared to walk through contractions as long as I could, and use heat from a shower or tub to get through some tough contractions. There was meconium in my water so that was also a reason to stay on the monitor to make sure Timothy wasn’t under any stress.

As I labored in the bed, I shifted positions frequently and tried to recite some verses in my head that I had been studying for these moments. I felt so much doubt. I kept thinking “I cannot do this”, “This is so painful”, “I want to scream”, etc. My mind still felt fuzzy and I was so unsure of myself. I looked to Joseph multiple times, not wanting to mutter the words “I am too weak for this”, because I wanted so badly to accomplish this goal, but I knew I could not do this for long. Each time I met his eyes with doubt in mine, I only received confidence and encouragement back from him. “You’re doing so well!”, “You’re one contraction closer to the end”, “Breathe deeply, don’t forget to breathe!”…I was, at times, starting to hyperventilate from my anxiety. He held my hand, and I squeezed his arm so tight through each hard contraction. Every rise and fall of pain I felt fear and then relief. Mentally, it was exhausting. Physically, too, but mentally was most of the battle I believe. No matter how much you read, prepare, study, etc, you never know quite how your laboring will be.

I was feeling pretty much a mess and told my nurse that I felt like I needed to push, I was hoping she would check me and say I was good to go. This was about 2:15am. I was 6cm. I was devastated. I started to cry and she assured me I was progressing fast and do not be discouraged but keep breathing. Keep breathing. So that’s what I did, with some doubt and anger and yelling and tears, I kept breathing. 15 minutes after that I was 8cm, and 10min or less after that I was 10cm and ready to push. My favorite doctor was working, this was a blessing. My great friend Mallory was the charge nurse this night, and she got to scoot in right before I started pushing – in the middle of me freaking out – and she held my hand and looked me in the face and said “you can do this, you have to breathe, and you will do this”. I cannot tell you how overwhelmed I get when I think about how God orchestrated for me to have an incredibly fast labor, with a supportive husband, and two nurses who championed me through my desire to accomplish this goal. When it was time to push, I was relieved but scared, it is a different ballgame with no epidural – I felt compelled to push with Brooklyn but I didn’t feel as if I was going to die like I did with Timothy. I really did go to a place of “blacking out” during pushing with Timothy, I was so unaware of anything except getting through this pain and getting this baby out. I pushed once, and it was weak and ineffective, I got a pep talk from my nurse and grabbed my husbands hand and pushed once more and heard a baby cry at 3:03am. From start to finish: 4 hours of labor, 1.5 hours going from 4cm-10, and two pushes, I met my son and fulfilled a goal that had become really important to me. I zoned out at this point, I think from utter exhaustion from the seeming battle I just endured.

I kept hearing buzzing in the background from the doctor, nurses, Joseph… all saying “he’s a boy, it’s a boy, he’s really a boy”. Maybe I let everyone know I was a little unsure, :). In my state of being zoned out, eyes closed, my heart smiled – and smiled big. It was about half an hour before I was able to hold him, as they were making sure he was okay and hadn’t swallowed any meconium, but then I got to hold him, and I loved him.

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and his dad loved him.

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and his sister loved him

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and I look forward to getting to know him, and learn him, and love him even more.

Timothy Chael Rinaldi, we are so glad you are here.

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