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Archive for August, 2013

25 years old

I can tell you that burying my grandmother is not something I thought I would be doing on my 25th birthday.

But, tomorrow I turn 25 and tomorrow we will lay my Maw Maw’s body to rest in the ground and celebrate her life and rejoice that her soul has been restored in Heaven since the 21st of August.

I’m also 37 weeks pregnant on Sunday.

To say that my mind has been dwelling on the dichotomy of life and death this week barely scratches the surface.

At such a thought provoking time in my life, I wanted to take time to jot down my thoughts – maybe they apply to you, maybe they don’t. Maybe you take something away from them, maybe you don’t. As always – and as the name of my blog states (in a little bit of a southern twist because I had to go with “er” not “or” since or was taken…) take it er leave it. It’s here either way.

A constant thought running through my head is that my Maw Maw is the most alive she has ever been, even though the way we as humans view life doesn’t match up with the state of her body, and we can’t really grasp that yet, it is something I feel like the Lord has been comforting me with. It is a comfort thinking about her frail body and distressed state of mind being liberated into a new form, but even on the flip side, even her good days here on earth – the biggest smile I’ve ever seen her smile, the happiest day I’ve ever spent with her, the greatest memory I have of her- these all pale in comparison to how truly happy, free, and full of life she is now. All of these moments that made me fall in love with her, are nothing compared to the Love she is receiving now. I won’t fully know and understand this until I ‘know fully’ and am ‘fully known’ the same way that she is now.

1st Corinthians 13:12

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

In the mirror of my mind, where things are dim and not always clear I’ve been passing through my thoughts on grieving too. Everyone grieves differently, and there is evidence of grieving in the Bible, but what does grieving mean to me – why do I grieve someone who is in a better place?

I think what my mind understands most about grief is that I grieve as a human because the earth is better with genuine, serving Christians like my Maw Maw on this earth – so I grieve observing one more moment of her selflessness, listening to one more prayer or piece of encouragement she would hand out, I grieve the chance to glean more from this Christian woman and have her be a light to those around us. As much as I grieve because I will miss her, I know although the earth is a better place with her and people like her, the Believer that dwells within this human body understands that she is better off in Heaven and that is a true comfort. No matter how much the world could benefit from a servants heart- the servant benefits most by being reunited with the King.

Coming full circle in my thoughts, I land back on this baby in my belly and how, although he will take his first breath soon, what we as humans associate with ‘life’, he really will not be fully alive until he, Lord willing, learns to love and accept Jesus as the ruler of his life. I pray that my son becomes a person that will benefit this world with a servants heart, a love for Christ, and an understanding of the gospel – just as my Maw Maw embodied.

I appreciate God’s gentleness to my heart in this time, I feel like I’m learning so much as I pass in and out of my thoughts and emotions.

I guess I can mark this as my quarter-life ‘crisis’ although it is much more a revelation than a crisis that my mind and heart are wrestling with.

What I am taking away most from this season of life is that I desire to strive to be someone who truly has an eternal focus, and while shifted and shaken from time time by the unavoidable cycle of life and death, I pray that I continue to become a person who grasps that fully knowing the Love of God is what helps me in turn to be a person worth being on this earth, so that I might leave behind an impact on the people I interact with like my Maw Maw has, and so that I can influence those under my care, like my children, until I am called Home. I pray that I continue to embrace the perspective that there is only one person I will ever need to know and be known by, and one name to proclaim: Jesus.

And it isn’t really a full blog post if I don’t leave you a song to dwell on…I heard this on the way home from the last night I visited my Maw Maw, and I use it as a challenge for myself to remember what is important and as a comfort to envision my sweet grandmother waking up in the Land of Glory…

(I don’t think the video is mobile compatible, the song is Big Daddy Weave – The Only Name {Yours Will Be}, if you’d like to look it up…)

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I did this with Brooklyn when I was about the same amount of weeks/days along, so I thought I’d do it for the boy, too.

How far along?  35 weeks 6 days

What was the first thing you bought for your baby? I don’t know that I have purchased a single thing for this boy! We have been SO blessed by friends and family. He has tons of clothes, diapers, wipes, etc. Oh I guess we did buy furniture, that counts, right? 🙂

Total weight gain/loss?  Total gain of around 7 lbs. Don’t let that impress you, I was a lot heavier with this one to begin with, so…there was just already a place for him to grow 😉

How are the maternity clothes? I’m ready to be back in my regular clothes for sure, I can still wear some of my normal clothes but I miss my Tshirts, they’d be too short with this bump…so I mainly wear old Tshirts of J’s.

Stretch marks? Only from the last time, nothing new. Woo.

How’s the sleep? I think I sleep probably around 6 hours a night, with some awake time in between.

Best moment this week? Getting to see a lot of family.

Movement? He moves a lot. Movements are getting painful because he is running out of space.

Have you taken a birthing class? Nope, been there, done that. I’ve read a lot more on my own time this time around because I’m trying to take a more natural approach but I haven’t taken an actual class.

Type of delivery you’re planning on? No drugs, Lord willing.

Biggest change in your body besides belly? I haven’t swollen this time like I did with Brooklyn. Every night I would lose my ankles with her :/ lol, happy to still see those all the time ;).

Food cravings? I get a craving here or there but nothing consistently. I like ICEEs a lot but I don’t really know that it’s pregnancy related. Heh.

Gender? Boy

Labor Signs? Nope, just regular Braxton Hicks. 🙂

Belly Button in or out? It’s more so flat. Which is weird. *I’ll keep this answer from the one I did with Brooklyn, hah.

What are you missing? Breathing normally, Joseph’s new name for me is Darth Vader because I’m always having to breathe so deeply, haha.

What are you looking forward to? FINDING A NAME. 🙂

Other Updates? It is funny how much less stress I have this time around. I mean with Brooklyn I was sick forever (well, I was sick with this one too but it was kind of been there/done that/know it ends), we had some not fun ultrasounds, I had a crazy chicken pox like rash break out, and I was swelling…so while I’m looking forward to holding my son on the outside, I have had a bit of an easier go this time around and I am so thankful for that. His room is ready, car seat in the car (let’s be honest, I never took Brooklyn’s infant car seat out…sooooo hahaha), he’s got outfits to wear, and we’ve got the food and diapers covered so…bring it on, son! The sooner you’re here, the sooner we are forced to settle on a name 😉

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