Archive for July, 2013

I feel like every ounce of emotion in my body is resting on the surface of my skin lately and the slightest tension from any part of life awakens it to a roaring fire.

I haven’t been feeling like myself much. In mind, more than anything, but also you know – my body is overtaken by a child currently :), and that always adds something to the mix.

I guess I have been overwhelmed. For good reason, we have a lot of changes going on in our life.

I have spent a good many of my relationships as a mediator or “bouncer off of thoughts, emotions, and situations”, haha – is there a word for that? People text or call me when they go through stuff, and I pray, listen, sympathize, empathize, and love. I have great people in my life that assume the same role for me, I am just not as good at opening up? Sometimes I am not used to being the one who needs to take a rest from everything and letting myself just be in a moment, or not constantly dwell on what is to come but just get through what is today or maybe even admit that if I don’t get through my list of things to do, places to be, or situations to resolve that the world isn’t going to end.

Through attempting to rest and process so that I can better be equipped for the days ahead in parenting another child, continuation of parenting my sweet girl, attempting to sell our house/find out where we will live next, friends and family going through other struggles, I’ve been sitting here listening to music and dwelling on scripture. It’s really the only escape that will bring any sort of peace, and yet it’s usually the last thing we as humans want to turn to – it’s a quick fix to just indulge in a unhealthy dessert or call your friend and vent or ignore and push on. I still think there is so much about being instructed to “Be still” in scripture, and I will never fully understand it, but it hits me so much sometimes how much I do not stay still. In mind and heart, at least.

In my stillness tonight I have been listening to John Mark McMillan’s “Carbon Ribs”. I may have listened to it half a dozen times so far tonight and who knows how many more times I will let it play in my ears.

There are some lines that really resonate with where I am in life right now, and where most people find themselves a time or two I’d imagine…

“A thousand miles of pain I’m sure
Led you to the threshold of my hearts screen door
To tell me what it is I’m dying for

Gravity comes like a cold cold Rain
To lead me to the rope again but someone is standing in my place

Cause I’m a dead man now
With a ghost who lives
Within the confines of
These carbon ribs
And one day when I’m free
I will sit
The cripple at your table
The cripple by your side”

It’s such a beautiful picture of Jesus’ pursuit of us. An unimaginable amount of pain tormented His body so that He could pursue me to tell me I am a slave to these dead things: worry, anxiety, stress, relief through indulging in worldly things and that in fact I am dead myself, and that everyday I head back to this rope to be strangled by these things over and over. And Jesus is constantly quietly calling me or loudly beckoning me to let Him take over all of these things, because I don’t have to die everyday. It’s a choice I make, and so I put myself in harms way and choose a life of being overwhelmed, when I can be free from these things and just let my crippled self sit beside Him while He works through each thought I have and bring life to the lifelessness I create for myself. The only way to be alive is to fully hand over that everyday journey towards death and let Someone else abide inside. I can’t really find healing in all of my ailments until I admit I am the cripple and need Someone else to take over and dwell.

When you become a believer, it’s true that your sins are forgiven – past, present, future, forever. However, everyday we still must submit ourselves to the Lordship of Jesus, and that is where I think most of us struggle. We get caught up in our own “ability” (seeming ability, we really have none…) and we find ourselves dwelling in situations and emotions that could be completely avoided if we would just choose everyday to admit we need help.

How comforting is it that I can just be still, be broken, and I don’t have to worry about fixing everything or being perfect at everything or being everything to everyone. I can never be the perfect spouse, mother, daughter, friend, etc. When you get caught up in being the ‘fixer’ of everything, you hardly allow yourself to admit you are broken and flawed. “Being still” is a way to accept that you aren’t going to go run around trying to act like you have it all together, sometimes you just need to be still and accept your ‘crippled ailment’ whatever it may be and allow Jesus to take on one of the many roles He embodies: Healer.

Thankful to find peace in this song tonight and for the perspective that embracing the broken is embracing the Healer’s position in my life. Going to try to make it a goal to find stillness with each new day I awake, so that I am not trying to start out my day alone, because I’m not alone. I have a Someone that ‘lives within the confines of these carbon ribs’.

For more on John Mark McMillans take on this song, check out his thoughts: “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3xlT1P5E7E”></a&gt;


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Today I was a brat

I am pretty pumped it’s almost bed time because I’ve just been full of hormones all day. I’ve felt overwhelmed, tired, short tempered, teary, anxious, and stressed.

Add all that up and the result is a day that I didn’t give my best:

I tried to make a game out of “pretend sleeping” because man I just needed Brooklyn to be still for more than 2 seconds, I got annoyed with my dog because he was shedding…which he has no control over, I snapped at my husband and sulked in my own “misery”.

Today I have been a brat.

Thankfully my daughter is sweetly sleeping and I’m looking forward to a fresh burst of energy tomorrow, my dog is cuddled up beside me and I told him just go ahead and dump all your hair on me…I’ll survive, and my husband offers me grace through the emotional chaos of my third trimester. And also offered me the last rice krispy treat. To which I somehow managed self control and let him knock that out. {my only triumph of the day}

I’ve had no monumental epiphany about my day, just an awareness of my fleshly response to every day life. It’s easy to let your mind take over in the places your heart should guide. It is in these moments where I really feel the impact of knowing the Lord pursues me in my weakness and is ready to champion me along if I am just willing to hand over any thought that I am equipped for motherhood and being a spouse in my own strength, when I succeed in these areas- it is no testament to a day that I’ve got my emotions in check, or fabulous mothering skills, or a handle on being a “good” spouse…when I seemingly succeed in any area is it solely because the Lord has given me grace for that moment. I need to recognize that more often.

I’m going to end this day appreciating Jesus’ grace in areas I fail, instead of focusing on myself. If you’ve felt less than adequate today, maybe consider doing the same.

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