I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and NOT a lot of sleeping. My heart is aching right now. In the past few days I’ve had an unwelcome reminder of the frailty of life. Wade Roberts, a dear friend of my family, and the father to my lifelong friend Erin- passed away unexpectedly about a week ago. During this time of grieving I’ve been passing through a lot of emotions. I’ve been a little hesitant to write, because I get scared of what might come out on paper.
At times you try to suppress your hurt, in order to be strong for others, but sooner or later you have to acknowledge the hurt before healing takes place. I’ve felt guilty at times for being so sad, because I can not even fathom the sadness their family is going through. I feel a breath of joy pass over me, because of the testimony Wade had and the many people he is affecting and will continue to affect as the years pass. In all of these mixed emotions there is the blunt awareness that life is here one minute and gone the next. What am I doing in my life to make a difference- more importantly what am I doing in your life to make a difference?
These emotions are taking a toll on me: physically, mentally and emotionally. How do you continue to have joy when there is such sorrow? The Lord is my strength, I have to remind myself of that daily. It is a hard medium to come to between living in the reality a loved one has passed (and my best friend is dealing with things she never should have to so early in life…) and then also making this terrible situation an opportunity to share Christ’s love through the wonderful example Wade left.
I am holding on to all of the good memories I cherish, and thankful for the opportunity to rest in the Lords comfort right now. Wade and Lisa have impacted my life in many ways. They have been like 2nd parents to me. Wade was one of those people that from a teenagers standpoint you fear a little bit at first, because He was very quiet, but then you grow respect whole heartedly and realize he is just a big teddy bear and cares so deeply for people. He had a great sense of humor about him too. How many dads do you know that when their daughter and her best friend say “We were thinking about rolling (insert anyones name here) house tonight…” He turns around and sighs and says “Ok…well…I just got a great deal at costco, the toilet paper is in your mom and I’s bathroom, just don’t stay out too late”. He, like myself these days, never slept, which for me and Erin’s sake was good- we could never get away with anything ;) he was always sure to be lurking around the house somewhere. Beyond his wits, he was a genius. He was always spitting off random facts, and the man knew how to get everywhere this side of the country (thus, we named him the Navagator, we called him the Gator for short- I don’t know if he ever knew that J). He was a very thoughtful man, I remember on his trips out of town he often brought home little gifts or gadgets for Lisa, Erin, or Jordan. It was sweet. I loved him and I love his family. He was a wonderful example of what a Godly man looks like: always quick to lend a hand or an ear, never speaking with hasty words, and humble beyond explanation.
Does anyone else know what its like to feel lost and confused yet secure and at peace at the exact same time? I do not understand why this happened, but I also know the Lord is sovereign as is His plan for my life and the lives of those around me. Am I even having genuine faith when I have these emotions? How do you know your trust is fully in the Lord when you still have hurt inside of you and do not understand His timing? With all of these questions I have, I am so glad the Lord can take all of my questions and hold onto them. He heals hearts and is revealing His purpose for this through all of the many people drawing closer to Him during this time. “In Christ, there are no goodbyes and in Christ, there is no end so I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again…” MercyMe