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Archive for June, 2008

Uncertainty.

 

Who can hear that word and be content with all that encompasses it?

 

I have had a lot of uncertainty in my life lately. Not everything has been negative uncertainty, but still- not knowing the end result is a challenge enough for me, let alone it being a positive or negative situation.

 

I’ve gone to jot down my thoughts in my journal for the past few days, and I can’t ever come up with sentences, it’s just a lot of words- mixed emotions- feelings that I can’t quite round out into one nice paragraph.

 

 

I’m trying to remember a specific instance or day that I passed from being a child who had decisions made for me and was unaware of consequences most of the time, to this adult that I am becoming- where I have to weigh out what happens before I open my mouth, change my mind, figure out my stance, decide what I want. Although I am grateful God has given me enough days to reach this point, I grow weary sometimes with all of the continual growth going on.

 

People pass in and out of your life. It’s the last part of that sentence that weighs heavy on me. I have a hard time coming to closure with people. You can not be friends with everyone for ever.

 

I am a people pleaser. As stubborn and opinionated as I am- at the end of the day, I just want to make people happy. So, I have a hard time letting relationships (not just the romantic kind…) go when the “time of influence” is over. “Time of influence”…that being the time period from which I enter someones life until the time when our paths take us a separate way.

 

I have had to deal with closure lately- but not blatant closure. It has been very subtle, and I sometimes feel like I’m the only one picking up on the closure, the other person or people are just moving on without a second thought.

 

Side note- I feel like everytime someone reads my blog, they are going to think I am depressed and distressed J I promise that’s not the case, I just usually publish when there is a lot of thoughts on my mind, I feel like when God reminds me of things, there are probably others who need reminding as well.

 

I have been reading a lot in Ecclesiasties, the ol’ familiar passage about “there is a time for everything” is what I have been closing my nights with before I go to bed. I pray that the Lord would remind me that unwanted change is okay, it seems to be the demon I face daily. I praise the Lord for giving me many relationships that are new that I can look forward to continuing, and for the sweet relationships that have been in my life consistently that I cling to during times of change.

 

I want to effect people. I want to make a difference. I pray the Lord would remind me that I do not know how long I have to influence someone, and that I would take advantage of every opportunity to do so.

It seems fitting to end on this note:

 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every action under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

 

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and NOT a lot of sleeping. My heart is aching right now. In the past few days I’ve had an unwelcome reminder of the frailty of life. Wade Roberts, a dear friend of my family, and the father to my lifelong friend Erin- passed away unexpectedly about a week ago. During this time of grieving I’ve been passing through a lot of emotions. I’ve been a little hesitant to write, because I get scared of what might come out on paper.

At times you try to suppress your hurt, in order to be strong for others, but sooner or later you have to acknowledge the hurt before healing takes place. I’ve felt guilty at times for being so sad, because I can not even fathom the sadness their family is going through. I feel a breath of joy pass over me, because of the testimony Wade had and the many people he is affecting and will continue to affect as the years pass. In all of these mixed emotions there is the blunt awareness that life is here one minute and gone the next. What am I doing in my life to make a difference- more importantly what am I doing in your life to make a difference?

These emotions are taking a toll on me: physically, mentally and emotionally. How do you continue to have joy when there is such sorrow? The Lord is my strength, I have to remind myself of that daily. It is a hard medium to come to between living in the reality a loved one has  passed (and my best friend is dealing with things she never should have to so early in life…) and then also making this terrible situation an opportunity to share Christ’s love through the wonderful example Wade left.

I am holding on to all of the good memories I cherish, and thankful for the opportunity to rest in the Lords comfort right now. Wade and Lisa have impacted my life in many ways. They have been like 2nd parents to me. Wade was one of those people that from a teenagers standpoint you fear a little bit at first, because He was very quiet, but then you grow respect whole heartedly and realize he is just a big teddy bear and cares so deeply for people. He had a great sense of humor about him too. How many dads do you know that when their daughter and her best friend say “We were thinking about rolling (insert anyones name here) house tonight…” He turns around and sighs and says “Ok…well…I just got a great deal at costco, the toilet paper is in your mom and I’s bathroom, just don’t stay out too late”. He, like myself these days, never slept, which for me and Erin’s sake was good- we could never get away with anything 😉 he was always sure to be lurking around the house somewhere. Beyond his wits, he was a genius. He was always spitting off random facts, and the man knew how to get everywhere this side of the country (thus, we named him the Navagator, we called him the Gator for short- I don’t know if he ever knew that J). He was a very thoughtful man, I remember on his trips out of town he often brought home little gifts or gadgets for Lisa, Erin, or Jordan. It was sweet. I loved him and I love his family. He was a wonderful example of what  a Godly man looks like: always quick to lend a hand or an ear, never speaking with hasty words, and humble beyond explanation.

Does anyone else know what its like to feel lost and confused yet secure and at peace at the exact same time? I do not understand why this happened, but I also know the Lord is sovereign as is His plan for my life and the lives of those around me. Am I even having genuine faith when I have these emotions? How do you know your trust is fully in the Lord when you still have hurt inside of you and do not understand His timing? With all of these questions I have, I am so glad the Lord can take all of my questions and hold onto them. He heals hearts and is revealing His purpose for this through all of the many people drawing closer to Him during this time. “In Christ, there are no goodbyes and in Christ, there is no end so I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again…” MercyMe

 

 

 

 

 

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