Heavy heart.

I can’t sleep. I need to write.

My heart is really hurting. Hurting for children without food, children sold into sex trafficking, people who need surgery but do not have the money, people who have no clean water to drink, people who do not have water at all, marriages who are struggling, people trying to overcome addictions, those who want a better life but have no one to encourage them on a straighter path, ultimately- my heart hurts for those who do not know hope in Jesus.

Take these thoughts Lord, help me not to just pass them by.

Goodnight.

Inside the Mind #5

Sometimes, I just need to write. I log onto my blog site and see all of these tabs: media, links, comments, pages, appearance, users, tools, settings….ahhhh and finally I see, write. Write. That is all i want to do. I seriously breathe easy when I click that tab. Writing is so freeing.

 

OK on to my inside the mind, haven’t done one of these in quite sometime, but for the sake of my sanity…here we go:

- I have no idea why I capitalize “Mind” in Inside the Mind, oh well.

- I would like to find a car

- DNOW weekend, wooooo.

- I can not get enough of sharp cheddar cheese and craisens, not together though.

- Sunshine, where did you go?

- Charlie Thompson, so cute http://coreyjennyandcharliethompson.blogspot.com/ watch the latest video

- Glory Revealed, David Nasser – read it.

- My heart hurts for underprivileged children

- Last night I called Lisa Roberts, as Lisa Roberts.

- I can’t decide if I would rather be quirky or unique. Unique has a kinder connotation, but I like the word quirky.

- It would be good if it only took five minutes to travel 933 miles away, oh and it was cheap too.

- Sometimes I call my mom when I am mad or upset and vent to her and then feel completely better, I forget that sometimes it probably ups her stress level to hear me all bent out of shape, thanks for being you Momma.

- My stomach is making me get off the computer because I am hungry.

Something of worth will be posted within the next week, I hope.

 

Love, me.

Existence.

My stream of consciousness is shifting from late night to early morning. I used to stay up for hours on end simply theorizing, thinking, analyzing and questioning things about life, love and all that is in-between. Not that life and love are at opposite sides of the continuum, I just mean there is plenty of subjects that lay alongside of life and love, in no necessary order. Instead of my late nights, I’ve been having early mornings. Really early. I’ve been getting up to run at 530. Wow. I’m training to run a half marathon, my body will thank me in the long run, but I think it hates me right now . I made a playlist of really uplifting music to keep me going on my multiple mile runs, not only that, but I’ve been trying every morning to get the treadmill that faces the window, so that I can watch the sunrise. Why is sunrise one word? Why am I a.d.d. when I type? Ok. Sorry. Let’s get to the meat of this post…

Existence blows my mind. The way our world has been lately, more personally- my world, with all the financial crisis talk, the crazy hyper-ness of my kids at work, the lecturing of my professors…it has been so distracting to moments of peace and simply being. What a lovely thing it is, to be. I am. I am sitting, I am typing, I am breathing, I am listening, I am thinking, most of all- I am. Does anyone else take their existence for granted? I never realized I did until, well, right now. As I was running this morning, I do not know which was louder: the thud of every step of my feet on the treadmill, the music in my earphones, or the thoughts in my head. As I watched the sky change from piercing black, to glorious orange I was overwhelmed with gratitude that I could simply exist in that moment, and every noise was silent.  Are you ever thankful for existence? God places you in moments for you to learn and grow, but I think often times we do not reflect and rest in those moments, we try too often to interpret and scrutinize, instead of simply being and breathing.

 

I’m not saying to stop being thankful for things like food, clothing, shelter, and love. However,I encourage you pay attention to existing, and begin to be thankful for just being. It’s all a gift, you know?

10.

I just wrote in my personal journal and it got a little heavy, so I needed to write a light-hearted blog.

Since 2008 is ending, and it has been one of my most challenging years , I figured I would write 10 things I truly enjoyed about this year, completely unbiased to how things are now.

In no specific order…

1. Standing in line with Ryan and being one of the first 100 people at Shane’s Rib Shack on the day of the race and getting a tshirt and free ribs.

2. Attending three awesome concerts: Hanson, Jonas Brothers, John Mayer. Don’t hate.

3. My first Hillsville adventure.

4. My surprise 20th birthday party, even though it wasn’t a surprise.

5. Going through the bible study Behind Those Eyes.

6. My amazing shoes that I just got from Christa, yes, that is a big enough deal to be on this list.

7. Having an avenue for release, in my red journal from Justin, which has pushed me to write my book and be so close to finishing!

8. The most relaxing beach trip my family has ever had.

9. Learning an amazing way to play UNO, with some amazing people.

10. Receiving my associates/transferring to UNC Charlotte!!!

 

With that said, I am excited about 2009 and everything it will bring.

Love, Me.

Noise.

Silence is so loud to me.

I suppose that is an oxymoron to most, but I am sitting here at 1:3o a.m. and the silence is almost smothering me. I remembered writing a couple of years ago about silence and noise, and the correlation between the two, so I found that and decided to share, enjoy my crazy mind:

“September 23, 2005

Silence screams to the core of me.  Noise is sometimes needed for me, to block out my own thoughts. When it is silent, I am overtaken by endless thoughts, and whether I desire to combat them out of my mind or not, it does not matter. For in the silence, my head is filled with noise. I become so overwhelmed with my psychoanalytical mind, that I almost can not think one thought through completely, before another one starts to form. My mind is like a mouse on a wheel, continually turing – with no end in sight. It is so easy to ignore and suppress when there is constant noise: loud music, conversation, a barking dog.  Distraction. But here, in the silence, it is almost too loud to bare.”

Maybe I have such a hard time sleeping because my mind will not shut off, ever. Especially in this silence.

 

Goodnight.

Stages.

The wheels of my mind have been in motion for a good part of the day. I guess they are never fully at a halt, however at church this morning they were at full speed for a majority of the time. I went to HG North for Sunday School (hello to my eleventh graders, =] ) , and then I went to HG Main for elevenAM and a free college lunch, free food is always a good way to attract college students – let’s face it, we are all poor. As I was sitting in elevenAM listening to Brian Boyles deliver one of the greatest messages I have heard in a very long time, my mind kept prompting me to think of the many times I had been in that same service [elevenAM] in the past year in a different stage of life. I began to visualize myself on preceding Sundays and went through a series of memories both good and bad of the many stages of life I have been through during my time in that service, and furthermore during my time at Hickory Grove. I could see myself at the welcome area, the first Sunday we had elevenAM – hoping we would have some sort of turn out. I could see myself off on a side row, in the dim-lit gym, listening to the words of Grace Flows Down with tears flowing down my face in the midst of a conflict I was facing earlier this year. I could see myself in the back row, one Sunday, after coming in late and being frustrated with myself that I could not focus on a screen for the sermon. Not only did I see myself in the many services I had attended there, I could see myself in the hallways reliving conversations I had long forgotten, and some I will never forget. I could see myself in the hallway before entering, just people watching as members and guests entered. I kept thinking about the many times I had been in this one place, and how different each stage of my life has been, how many hidden thoughts I had, joyful times I had seen, or hard concepts to grasp – all within this one service. Furthermore than the service, I thought about the many stages I’ve been in, while serving at Hickory Grove, and while some more public than others- I have learned from each one of them to form the person I am, and will forever be becoming. As I thought about these many stages and phases, the message I was hearing seemed more and more like the story of my life – instead of a hypothetical situation. Brian spoke a lot about the times in our life when things do not play out in “our favor”, and we hold our fists to God, challenging Him. Making statements asking Him if He is really who He says He is, why is this happening? I thought about the countless times I have been restless for God’s will. Though, not un-trusting of Him, I have been restless. I think that is a hard concept for many people to grasp that you can actually be a Christian, and have your trust in God, but be uncertain of His will at the same time. Uncertainty and doubt are not hand in hand. I thought about the times I have been quick to hold God to His Word, while overlooking the promise I have made to Him to have life dedicated to him no matter the circumstance. While all these thoughts were swimming around, Brian then made a comment that made complete sense. There is a reason we are called CHILDREN of God, instead of really-mature-adults of God. We act childishly. We can not grasp spiritual maturity, fully. We can grow daily, but we will never reach the point of true contentment, and I feel whoever says they are - may be the furthest away from it.  We spend too much time seeking contentment, instead of seeking Christ. We expect our way to be His way, and overlook His way for our way. We put our Faith in our emotions, situations, our future, and so many other things, instead of putting our Faith into the one who can grab us out of death and bring us life, no matter how weak or strong we are. My Faith has gone through immense amounts of stretching in 2008, and as it is coming to a close, I can look back on the ups and downs, and see the same consistency in Christ that will always be there, and how thankful I am for the consistency, let me tell you. So, as I have said many times before, when I feel something is worth writing about, I feel confident that there is someone else who may need to hear the challenging words God is speaking to me about. In all the stages of my life, through spiritual  maturity and immaturity, emotional stability and instability, mental capability and incapability…there is one thing that will forever be the same, Christ. That is a great enough truth  and encouragement to keep me seeking and on my knees and praising His Name, everyday.

Embracing the difference

Hello blog. I have not thought about blogging all day, I have been avoiding it actually. Sometimes I am not sure if what goes on inside my  head makes sense to anyone else. 

However here I am, at the laptop, and my brain keeps telling me to write. I don’t have much to say currently, just a brief little blurb about what is going on inside my head. Or at least one of the things going on

I read a quote the other day that I loved, “What sets the world in motion, is the interplay of differences: their attractions and repulsions.” Octavio Paz said this, who is from Mexico and won a nobel prize in literature in 1990.

I could not agree more with this concept. The world, or more specifically, the people of this world live and breathe off of the difference of those around them. We are constantly at a place of justification of our own preferences and convictions and talents, and most of the time – at the expense of demeaning someone else’s. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for conviction and if you know me well, you know that I am fairly head-strong about my own, ok…maybe replace fairly with definitely. However, especially as a Christian, I am becoming sick with the idea that people are more concerned with arguing their vantage point or ability to be more correct or effective than that of someone else, than actually living out their convictions and focusing on their talents.

I think that people are starting to thrive off finding difference in others, in order to prove their ”perfect” view point of things. Difference is beautiful, but only when recognized as a thing of beauty. In Romans 12 the body of Christ is discussed, and how there is a need for the different gifts inside the Church so that they can work together for the cause of Christ. This interplay of difference, however, becomes a point of obsessiveness for some people. I believe that the attraction is becoming the repulsion. It is now appealing to be a part of a self-righteous crowd that believes everyone should live and breathe synonymously how they do. My heart is disgusted by this. People are obsessed with having it all figured out, so they take that and run with it and don’t look back. And it is more than repulsing me that this wicked habit seducing the heart until it becomes attractive, especially in the college age level. If people were to submit to humility, and embrace our inability to have it all figured out, I think we would all be in for a big stress reliever. It is the difference amongst us that causes us to be effective for Christ. I think we are wounding our brothers and sisters in Christ when we become so absorbed by the obsession to be viewed as righteous, instead of the submission to be malleable for Christ.

Q & A

Alright.

As much as I’d like to say “she’s back”, she isn’t. The part of me that writes, absolutely does not feel like writing, I may be fearful of my own word-spill.

So, as I was catching up on everyone else’s mind, I came acrossAmy Boyles blog and she had done this little 35 random question deal, thus, here you go:

35 Odd Things About Me

1. Do you like blue cheese salad dressing?  Not my favorite, but I’ll choose it from time to time.

2. Do you own a gun? Nope.

3. What’s your favorite drink at Starbucks? Passion Tea, with a pump or two of melon and a pump or two of raspberry.

4. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?  Juice. Apple or grape.

5. Do you do push ups? Nope.

6. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? I enjoy simple jewelry. I usually only wear my purity ring, and some earrings- small studs or silver hoops.

7. Favorite hobby? I like to cook and bake. Yes, that is two different things.

8. Do you have A.D.D?  Self-diagnosed. 

9. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? My over-analytical nature. Sometimes it plays in my favor, other times it does not.

10. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: My throat feels like I swallowed sand-paper. I would love a massage. I need to organize my room.

11. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink. Apple juice, water, sweet tea, diet coke.

12. Current worry right now? Maybe we won’t go there.

13. Current hate right now? See above. However, in all honesty I do not “hate” anything.

14. Favorite place to be? Warm summer day, sitting by the ocean, reading a book.

15. Do you like to travel? Sure do.

16. What color shirt are you wearing? Pink.

17. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I find it irritating actually.

18. Can you whistle? Yes, I can.

19. Favorite color? Black, it goes with everything.

20. If you could, would you be a pirate? No.

21. What song do you sing in the shower? Honestly, probably a song I sing with my kids at work “I’m bringin home my baby bumble bee, won’t my mommy be so proud of me…” and so on. I seem to sing that everywhere.

22. Favorite girl’s name? Ezra Jade, please don’t steal it.

23. Favorite boy’s name? It changes often.

24. What’s in your pocket right now? Chapstick. Burts Bees, .

25. Favorite bedsheets as a child? I don’t recall. I’m sure some sort of princess something-or-other.

26. Worst injury? I burned my hand on the exhaust of the lawn-mower when I was younger, one of those “hey , what’s this?” moments…yikes.

27. Do you love where you live? Yes.

28. How many TVs do you have in your house? Three.

29. Who is your loudest friend? Three-way tie: Blair, Joseph, Janine.

30. How many pets do you have? Two: Copper and Izze.

31. Does someone have a crush on you?  Maybe one of my kids at work, other than that- nope.

32. What is your Favorite Book? The Bible, Lord of the Rings…specifically Return of the King.

33. What’s your favorite candy? Twix, or dark chocolate anything.

34. Favorite Sports Team? Carolina Panthers

35. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Time for medicine.

A little different…

OK, the blogger in me has gotten side tracked by school, work, and financial planning- thus the “Inside the Mind” posts keep reoccuring.

However, I had a conversation tonight worth blogging about.

My good friend Tallyn and I went out to dinner, just to catch up and have some girl time. It turned into some great God time. Both of us had a lot on our hearts to talk to each other about, and are dealing with some of the same struggles and conflicts.

Tallyn and I have always gotten along fairly well and enjoyed each others company, but tonight we really just “got real” with each other, and became transparent about our weaknesses and our strengths; the lives we have lived and the future we desire. It was great conversation. Sometimes I feel like there are so many people I come in contact with on a regular basis that I really know nothing about. Sure, I know where they go to school, or work, or what their kids are up to- but I don’t know what goal they’ve just reached or what trial they are facing.

Through our similar situations, Tallyn and I reflected on our ever-present need for our Savior. As humans, we critique ourselves and scrutinize every aspect of our lives, and wonder why we can’t pull it together and make something out of the mess of our lives. You strive to spend time with the Lord daily, but then feel like a failure when you have only read your bible a couple times that week. You stress out about the economy while you are alone, but throw on a smile and mutter something about having faith when you are around your church buddies, hoping you can convince them you believe it, even though you are having a hard time convincing yourself. You strive to not take part in sin, but then cringe thinking about the times that you’ve knowingly done so. Our earthly desires are constantly wrestling with our spiritual convictions, so much so that it can be a bit overwheling at times.

If we never had those about-to-loose-my-mind, crying-my-eyes-out moments…we would cease to have a need for a Provider, Sustainer, Comfortor, Healer, Couselor, Redeemer, Friend, and so many more attributes God can be.

Christians face the most adversity, in my opinion, from our own-selves (being, other Christians). Many of the times I have felt that I do not measure up to a certain standard, I am not measuring myself up to a standard Christ has set, but to a standard man has imposed. Christ calls us to come as we are, broken.

I do not want to be like the Pharisee in Luke 18, I want to be like the tax collector. I want to recognize, and accept that I am broken. It is through accepting we are broken, that we accept He is complete.

Inside the Mind #4

- Praise the Lord I have secure hours at my job, finally!

- Four year old’s give the funniest answers when asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

                    – Example: Jacob “I want to be a green truck” ………………..what?

- What ever happened to those koala bear cookies filled with chocolate, i think they came in a octagon box?

                   – Nevermind, just googled it. http://www.koamart.com/images/products/2879_enlarged.gif

- Praise the Lord Lisa Whittle’s daughter Shae accepted the Lord, rock on!

- My head hurts as a result of my jaw locking, ouch.

- I think I am going to join a Bible study on Titus tomrorow night, I get excited about learning.

- Panera Bread’s low fat wild berry muffin is amazing.

- Christa is such a good friend.

- I need a good book to get caught up in.

- What am I doing for Halloween?

- When will I ever get to carve my pumpkin!?

- My Maw Maw is so funny, especially when she isn’t trying to be

That’s all.