Silent Thoughts Revealed

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding this.

However, it’s become beyond necessary that I post about this.

So, listening ears on people, I have some things to say.

I’m 25 weeks along now, but I need to fill you in on some things in the last 5 weeks.

At our 20 week appointment we found out about our little girl!! However, we also found out a little bit of other information. The doctor let us know that she found a spot on the baby’s heart that she wanted us to see a specialist about. Since our girl was snoozing through this appointment, they couldn’t get a great look at her heart, so she didn’t give us too much information since she couldn’t see a whole lot, she did tell us though that it be a small marker for a chromosome disorder but that it was probably nothing since my blood work had been good for all of those chromosome tests (For those that know what a first-trimester-screening is, I had one done around 12 weeks, so that we could have one extra ultrasound, tee hee). In hindsight, I’m glad that I had that blood test done, that only helped set my mind at ease about this upcoming appointment.

At 23 weeks we met with the specialist and had a ultrasound that I promise lasted almost two hours. Haha. I even got a “tummy break” where the tech let me just lay there for a little bit, because the poking around was getting tiring and I was sore!! As per usual, our little girl was snoozing away, but it was okay this time, because she was sitting (hanging? floating?) in a good position for us to get some great shots of her heart. We met with the doctor who said the spot could be a few things…I won’t go in to a terrible amount of detail, it’s kind of unnecessary at this point, because there is so much ‘unknown’ still, but the two main things are still a chromosome disorder or a tumor on her heart. Anyways, after we met with the doctor he said he wanted to see us again when I am 28 weeks, so that little girl can grow some more and we can get a better look at her heart. He left me with the words that if it was his child, he wouldn’t worry. BAH. He was such a nice and thorough doctor, but I wanted to roll my eyes at that comment. I appreciated his words, but they didn’t really stick to me – other than wanting to throw back a “yeah right”.

We left that appointment and I didn’t really know what to feel. There was nothing specifically pinned down yet about what this spot is or means, and there is still a chance that it could be nothing more than a calcium deposit (which is completely harmless). I cried some, I looked out the window on the drive home, I sat in my husband’s arms for a little bit when we got home.

I felt sad for the next few days, mulling around on these feelings I had, not really knowing what direction my mind would take me. I’m not even a full-fledged mother yet, and my little girl is already facing things out of mom’s control.

I wasn’t crazy about telling anyone, I told my parents /sisters but that was about it. After a day or two of going crazy, I told Joseph I felt like I needed to speak up to some people I can count on to pray for us- he said to do what I needed to do, he is a open book…he can talk about anything in front of anyone, I tend to be more closed off. I appreciate how much he looks out for me, because he kept quiet too, at my request.

I sent out a facebook message to a few people asking for prayer. I didn’t really know what to pray for (funny, the Bible addresses that, Romans 8, check it out) but I knew our family needed prayer. I decided to ask for prayers of peace. I semi-wanted to ask for prayers of healing…I want that dang spot gone…is what I wanted to say. I received several encouraging messages and had some good face-to-face conversations with people that have really poured into my life.

All of these things were great, but through my “thank you for thinking of us” and “it really helps to hear those words”, I knew on the inside I was still battling sadness.

It wasn’t until I heard a song on my drive home from work, until I really started to feel relief from these feelings…more on that in a few minutes.

Today I received a message in my inbox from my friend Kathryn..she has been praying for us and talking to me all throughout my pregnancy. She doesn’t live near me, we’ve never really hung out (unless you count when she used to babysit me, haha), we don’t have some long dated friendship- but entering into Mommy world has brought her extremely close to me. It is neat how God places people in your life, at the exact time you need them.

Anyways, she sent me a message, about a family dealing with an extremely similar situation…I stopped in my tracks reading the person’s blog she sent me that is a friend of hers: http://3berrysrrandw.blogspot.com/ I feel ok posting their link, they are being vocal about it, and are leading me to open up…and I know that God has placed Kathryn in both my life and her friends life, to further bring together this puzzle of life that we are a part of.

If I had read this blog a few weeks ago, I would have been more depressed…felt sad…and wanted to sit in my closet and cry for their family.

If you remember a few lines ago, where I said a song ministered to me, I’d like to get back to that part of the story. I responded to Kathryn’s message, letting her know I appreciated her sending me that blog and went on to tell her about what God had been revealing to me.

I don’t know how to write it any other way than I did to her, so I’ll just copy and paste parts of the message I wrote back:

“Let me tell you, the first several days post-news were rough. I was feeling depressed and like I wanted to hide in a hole. How mature of your friend to not go in a google frenzy, that may have been what did me in. Our doctor shared a lot of details with us, and so I think the combination of that plus my own fears send me straight for the internet. I applaud her for not doing that, and I am sure her mind is appreciating that, too. She seems very wise and strong.

So, like I was saying, I had been pretty emotional…then I was driving home from work one day and this Natalie Grant song came on. This is kind of weird side story, but a few years ago I was journaling out what I wanted said/played at my funeral. Don’t ask me why, haha, I’m just weird like that. Anyways, one of the songs I wanted played was “In Better Hands” by Natalie Grant. Well low and behold this song I’ve heard a million times comes on in the car. Originally, I loved this song because it gives such hope to those in troubled times, and death happens to be one of those troubling things for those dealing with someone they know dying. So my thought was, these lyrics could really minister to someone to remind them that when I pass, I am in better hands…and so they don’t need to worry about that.

Well…as I was listening to the song…this lyric came on and it hit me like a brick “Take this heart of mine, there’s no doubt, I’m in better hands now” All of the sudden these tears fill my eyes and I felt like God was letting my little girl speak thru the radio to me. It was like she was loud and clear saying “MOM! Did you hear what that said? That’s me talking. My heart. His hands. It’s better there. You always talk about God and how things are better in His hands, my heart is His before it is yours, my life is His before it is yours. Believe that.” And so, that is what I have to do. I have to believe that, and not look back. I have to not just say it, but mean it. I have to know that no matter the outcome, her sweet heart is not mine but His, and He has a plan. So that is what I seek to do every day now. I think it is awesome God used such a important song to me already, and to show me it’s purpose, when I had originally assigned it to another part of my life.

Our next appointment is scheduled for March 22, so this will be our next look at what is going on. I coincidentally have my glucose test that week, and then we are hosting students at our house that weekend for Disciple Now. So, I know that God is already setting me up to put my Faith into action either way. Either way, those students will be at my house, and no matter the outcome of that big week at the doctor’s office, I will need to live out what I say- that His plan is 543980 times better than mine.”

And that is what is going on in our lives. God is using this little girl to stretch my faith further than it ever has before, He is using people I don’t see to minister to me, and a family I don’t even know to remind me that in this life we are not alone and through that He is also reminding me of His COMPLETE control in our lives. In her life. In life in general.

I’m glad Kathryn shared this family with me, yet another one of those “thanks God” moments, where just days after I have been able to process and proclaim my faith…He then says “You are not alone.” Had he said that before, I’m not sure that I would’ve listened.

His timing is perfect. Please know that.

Thanks for listening.