Defender

Do you ever feel alone?

Not in the sense that you are in a room by yourself, but alone in the sense that you feel if you were to possibly explain the frustrations or hurts in your life people wouldn’t really “get it” or if they did they would just offer weightless or generic advice?

Right now, I have friends who are dealing with issues.

A wide range of issues.

Fertility. Financial. Family. Fidelity. Friendships.

Chances are, sometime in your life, you will deal with one of the five above too. I know I have had my life dip into a few of those categories.

What I’ve learned and observed about struggles, is you need to accept two truths.

You aren’t in control of your life.

You may want a certain outcome. You may wish you had the answers. You may try to fix things on your own.

12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:12-13

We are told to call, come, pray, and seek. With our whole heart. We aren’t told to worry, wish away, or try to manipulate our struggles. Our efforts are in vain if any part of our heart is consumed in those meaningless areas. He wants our whole heart seeking. Your efforts to change your situation won’t always change the struggle, but your efforts to seek the Lord and His purpose for allowing the struggle will refine you through your struggle.

Sometimes, no one will be on your side.

Sometimes you will feel completely alone.

The medical world is failing you.

The bank account doesn’t show the numbers you need it to.

Your family doesn’t understand you.

Your spouse doesn’t care.

Your friends don’t reciprocate the relationship.

Sometimes everything seems one sided, and you feel as though no one is fighting for you.

¹³ And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” 15 The Lord said to Moses, “Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. 16 Lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground. Exodus 14:13-16

The Lord will fight for you, but He may ask you to take action. These verses happen right as the Israelites have been freed from slavery from the Egyptians, but the Egyptians kinda change their mind and are like ‘jk’ and come after them. Moses instructs the people to stand firm, saying the Lord will fight for you, you just need to be silent. Here silence isn’t a non-action. It’s an action, to listen. To wait for instruction. Just as before in Jeremiah, there is very much a role we need to play in our relationship with God, it isn’t one sided. If you feel alone in your struggle, have you allowed yourself to realize God is the only one who needs to be on your side? If you’ve acknowledged that, have you asked Him to fight for you?

God wants us to call, come, pray and seek. He wants us to take action too. He wants your whole self on board. It isn’t a half-hearted generic “whatever you ask me to do Lord” and then waiting around not asking the very specific “what is it you want me to do?”, it’s a bold “Tell me right now what to do, and I’ll act as if my life depends on it.” Because, it does. Your life depends on letting God defend you. If you depend on others to defend you, you will be disappointed. If you try to defend yourself, you will fail.

So when He tells you He will fight for you and defend you, let Him. Trust that when He takes you through something difficult – it is not a path of loneliness He has sent you down. It is a path of intimacy, where He is waiting to reveal Himself to you if only you would call to Him, come to Him, pray to Him, seek Him, and be ready to act when He asks you to.

Tell Him you need Him, and then listen to what He asks of you.

Check out this song that’s been ministering to me, I’ve bolded some of the parts of the song that really move me.

Matt Maher – Lord I need you

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You’re my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

But, then.

A love.

A marriage.

A plan, to wait. 5 years, for kids.

5 years, to offer time alone for us to grow.

5 years, to revel in the newness of marriage.

5 years, to travel as we pleased.

5 years, to sleep full nights of sleep.

5 years, to keep my body as only mine.

5 years, to build income for a new life.

5 years, to sort out our differences before taking on ownership of a whole new being.

5 years, to only have two people do to laundry for. Cook for. Care for.

5 years.

But, then.

A test.

A positive.

A baby?

A baby.

9 months.

9 months, to learn.

9 months, to grow. and grow. and grow.

9 months, to prepare.

9 months, of appointments.

9 months, of nursery talk.

9 months, of congratulations, and [wanted, and unwanted] advice.

9 months, of love growing every day.

But, then.

A baby.

A girl.

My Brooklyn.

Brooklyn, who completely changed my perspective on life.

Brooklyn, who made me overwhelmingly in love with motherhood.

Brooklyn, who smiled so much her mouth never closed!

Brooklyn, whose first word – and favorite person – was and is “Da da”.

Brooklyn, who never slept until after a year old.

Brooklyn, who makes me so proud every day.

Brooklyn, who is tenderhearted and funny.

Brooklyn, who grew our love so much, that we decided we wanted another baby.

A plan.

A plan, to try.

A plan, to give Brooklyn a sibling.

A plan, to grow our family.

But, then.

10 months.

10 months, of hoping for a baby.

10 months, of doctor’s visits.

10 months, of tests.

10 months, of uncertainty.

10 months, of aching.

10 months, of desiring a baby.

10 months, of negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test.

10 months, of emotional breakdowns.

10 months, of please everyone stop asking me “why we haven’t given Brooklyn a sibling” or “when are ya gonna have another one?”

10 months, of dancing between God’s sovereignty and my bitterness.

10 months, of reminding myself even if another child never came from my body, Brooklyn is 10,000 times the blessing we could have ever asked for.

But, then.

A moment alone.

Alone, eyes closed.

Alone, not ready to open my eyes.

Alone, listening.

Listening to Kari Jobe – “My Beloved”

Listening, to lyrics.

Lyrics, “I’ll breathe my life inside of you.”

Lyrics, “I’ll take you to my quiet waters, I’ll restore your soul.”

Lyrics, “Come rest in me and be made whole.”

A prayer, of giving up, or really…giving in.

Giving in, to a plan other than my own.

Giving in, to a road of uncertainty and being okay with it.

Giving in, to not stressing everyday over whether I am pregnant or will ever be.

Giving in, to the perfect plan that is His.

Giving in, that as soon as I open my eyes I am accepting another negative pregnancy test.

But, then.

But, then.

But, then.

A positive.

A positive, of life breathed inside of me.

A positive, of 10 months of restoring my soul for this specific moment.

A positive, that I must found whole in Him before being able to grasp any other wholeness I feel through others.

A positive, of which I can no longer contain my excitement.

A love. A marriage. A plan. 5 years. A positive. A baby. 9 months. Brooklyn. A plan. 10 months. Alone. Listening. Giving in. A positive.

And now, another 9 months. See you September 2013, sweetheart. I love you so much already.

Maw Maw Betty

My Maw Maw Betty is one of the sweetest women I’ve ever known.

She makes friends with everyone she meets and would give you anything she owned if she knew it would make you happy.

I can’t remember a time where I have left her house without some sort of baked good, $5, a sweater she found from Goodwill that just “looked like me”, or a piece of wisdom to keep in my heart.

She is encouraging, always handing out a compliment, she would stop a stranger in a store just to tell them that their haircut looks nice.

Whenever I have introduced her to any of my friends, she instantly makes them feel like family, she calls you ‘baby’ and ‘darlin’ and in the first time she meets you she’s guaranteed to hug you and tell you she loves ya, with a big smile on her face.

Although 2012 has been a year of ups and downs, and she will be the first to tell you her memory isn’t what it used to, I can tell you her encouragement and her open arms are still the same.

Here’s to you Maw Maw, I hope you enjoy this song, I know it is one of your favorites and I love you very much.

Love,
Lyssie

Brooklyn – 17 Months Old!

Brooklyn is 17 months old now and is so fun to be around!

We go to school twice a week, while I teach she is in a little classroom with her friends. We love her teacher, she is very hands on with her and Brooklyn is learning so much in her care (and she secretly told me B is one of her favs…hehe, but I’m sure she says that to all the momma’s).

She is constantly “reading” or wanting to be read to. Her favorite books are: The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Big Red Barn, and a book about piggies.

She loves animals and animal noises. She’s crazy about cats. She loves to meow, and to moo. Her Grandpa John and Grandma Brigitte have a cat and Brooklyn tries to love her, but Pasha (the cat) is not trying to have any of that. Haha, maybe one day they will be friends.

She sleeps so good at night, WOO HOO. Usually she goes to bed between 6:30-7:00pm and wakes up the next morning around 7am. Whenever we put her down if we have people over or travel out of town, people can’t believe how early she goes to bed! We love it though, she kept us up throughout the night for over a year, so I think she is making up for lost time. Ha ha.

She gives out hugs freely, but is a little more reserved with her kisses .

She is seriously obsessed with babies. She carries her toy babies, says “hi” to babies in stores/church/etc, and always wants to “pet” them like she pets Marley.

Her vocabulary is growing daily, but here are some of her “favorite” words and phrases:
“dank you” – Thank you
“us dat?” – What’s that?
“eat eat” – she is a little piggy, she loves to EAT
“side” – Outside
“Oh no!”
“All done”
“tikey” – Kitty
“cat”
“yonyin” – London
“bitsy bitsy” – Itsy Bitsy Spider
“Me Me” – Dance with me
“Tee bee” – TV

She still loves carbs and fruit, occasionally likes turkey, peas, and corn.

She is such a social butterfly, she doesn’t really ever meet a stranger. She is constantly having “conversations” with someone, and if she can’t find anyone to talk to she will just talk to herself.

She loves to sing, dance, “run in place”, and clap for herself when she does something she is proud of.

She is curious and determined, she will try something over and over until she succeeds at it…whether it is moving something in the house like an ottoman, trying to open a door, or reaching an object.

She is reaching a stage where her feelings get hurt, and that breaks my heart. I am in her Sunday School class every other week, and if the kids aren’t interested in playing with her sometimes she will walk away from her attempt at engaging and a tear will roll down her face or she will come lay her head on my shoulder and sigh…as if she has giving up on friendships. Man, she knows how to pull on the heartstrings! Love her to pieces.

I am so thankful for her.

She is a major daddy’s girl right now. They have all kinds of fun. One of her favorite things to do is go into a room where Joseph is and as I come following along she shuts the door and says “bye bye”, as if to tell me that it’s her and daddy time ONLY! She loves to give him hugs at night before bed, and watches him leave most mornings when he is going to work, as soon as he leaves she cries her eyes out. I hope her heart is always that full of love for him.

I don’t really talk about Joseph’s parenting much on here, but he is such a good dad. He is constantly playing with her, loving on her, reading to her, and happy to help out with her when I am trying to get something done or just want to get out of the house.

I am so thankful for my family.

Four Friends

I’m a big advocate of friendship. Intentional relationships.

I have not always been this way.

I spent the better part of the last few years not really opening up to many people because I feared being hurt.

Most of my childhood friendships ended poorly for whatever reason: dishonesty, different places in life, different beliefs, etc. So I had kind of reached a point in my life shortly after I entered marriage where I just figured I would never be one of those people that has ‘good’ friends. I would just interact around people when necessary and then confide in and find enjoyment in my husband/parents/siblings and I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with that.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, over the past almost three years of marriage, I can think of two times that we hung out with ‘my’ friends. Every other time we have been in the company of other people that aren’t family, it has been ‘Joseph’s’ friends. Which, obviously I have grown closer to over the years. I’m not really talking about casual friends. You can pick up and go to coffee with anyone and talk about the weather and what’s on sale at the store. I have a lot of casual friends.

It has really only been in the last 6 months that I have found real, true friendship. The kind of friends that you can tell your ridiculous dreams to and they make you feel like they are possible, or that you can tell your most hurtful stories and they love you through them. Those kind.

In retrospect, the world {and even church, sometimes} hasn’t offered much for what a healthy friendship should look like. We live in a feel good world, where everyone wants to just walk around feeling like they are the best presentation of themselves that they will ever be. We live in a world of acceptance with no intention for change. I am all for accepting people as they are, but there is another component of friendship that I’m afraid is dying, you want to continue to try and make yourself a better person. So many people, I feel, are plagued with contentment.

So now that I have- what I feel like is- an abundance of genuine friendships, I’d kind of like to shed light on the kind of friends I feel everyone should have, and I feel really blessed to have these in my life. I’m only going to reference four types, although there are more, and many names that I won’t mention. These are just the people that fit my examples best.

First, you need a warrior. You need someone who is willing to fight for you. By that I mean, sometimes you have days where you feel like no one is on your side. You need someone who you can dump your bad day on that will say “hey! I am here for you”. Your warrior is a source of strength when you are feeling weak. A warrior is someone with a fierceness about them that makes you feel like even if only your warrior is confident in you, no one else needs to be. My friend Christa is my warrior. She’s kind of empowering when she speaks, she’s studying Hebrew as part of her masters track for school and so she is really into words and language, which I can appreciate, so she is constantly charging me with words to remind me of the One who fights for me and goes before me.

You need a challenger. Sometimes you need someone to keep you in check. Sometimes you need someone to tell you like it is, even if you don’t want to hear it. Sometimes you need someone to spiritually slap you but tell you it’s out of love. I can’t tell you how often I need to be kept in check. I have a little bit of a…anger issue? Hehe. I can go from 0 to 60 on a scale of fine to crazy really fast. Your challenger stops you in your tracks, tells you to grow up a little, and offers a healthier perspective than the one you’re offering yourself. My friend Katie is my challenger. She reminds me of the big picture, she reminds me to approach things with humility, she challenges me to live in truth.

You need a thinker. People like me, who have crazy analytical minds, need a friend who is willing to think with them and listen to their thoughts. You need someone to flesh out the ideas of your mind. Everyone thinks, but not everyone is a thinker. A thinker is someone who carefully considers all sides of everything, not just dumps out a thought. A thinker takes a five minute conversation and turns it into a 5 hour discussion. Natalie is my thinker. She sits with me for hours, at my house…her house…the park…and just talks life with me. We discuss anything from love, religion, spirituality, family, children, food {dessert }, politics, fashion, people, etc. The thing about having a thinker friend that is so important, is it creates a role for me to be needed. Discussing is a two way street, and so having Natalie in my life has allowed me to be part of a balanced friendship, we talk back and forth and mutually find enjoyment in our friendship. Which is really rare, many ‘friendships’ that I’ve witnessed or been a part of are so one sided. It’s great to find balance.

Lastly, you need a relater. You need to be in constant conversation with someone that ‘gets you’, someone that is walking or has walked a similar path you are on. They are the person that at the end of the day, they make you feel normal and validate your feelings because they experience the same things and feel the same way. The relater is often the encourager too, because they remind you that someone else is surviving and thriving in the same situations. Sarah is my relater. She is a source of comfort to me in hard times, and our similarities that constantly reveal themselves make me laugh too, I mean – we even ordered the exact same meal the other night.

The thing about these four friendships, is that lacking one throws off the balance of the others. Not everyone has these friendships, I know that full well because I have not always had these types of friends. Sometimes they manifest themselves differently, too. Somedays you may have a friend that fulfills all four of these categories. Somedays you may be lacking any of them.

When you seek out people with the intention of creating a friendship, don’t just look for people who are similar to you or for people that make you feel good. Look for people who will continually make you a better person.

I am so thankful these friends, amongst others, have been brought into this season of my life.

The dance

I haven’t been able to write in a long time.

I’ve had the desire to write, but every time I sat down to write- I’d end up deleting what I was saying or getting stuck and not being able to complete it.

I use this blog a lot to sort out my thoughts on my faith, and so in different seasons of my faith there is a natural ebb and flow of the need and desire to write. It’s usually when the two of those cross each other that I end up writing, I’ve got to have both, it seems.

I’ve had a lot of “soul searching” over the past year and a half, maybe due to the little human I am responsible for or a time of loneliness that I experienced that lasted for longer than I would have liked but changed my perspective in a way greater than I could have anticipated.

I’m not lonely for love, as I have a great family. Really I had just been lonely for relationships. I’ve never wanted to say that, because I appreciate the friends that I have, but sometimes I longed to be invested in instead of investing in everyone else which is where I typically find myself. I can speak about this now, as I have over time built beautiful friendships with intentional investing on both sides.

I finally pinpointed within the last couple of weeks what has kept me from writing my heart out.

I’ve been dwelling on a conversation I had with my friend Andrew. His wife Natalie is someone I consider as one of my most cherished friends. He also blogs, you should read it here.

Andrew and I kind of only have two levels to our friendship, intense sarcasm or intense serious, and there really isn’t much in between. We both have an (overly, at times) analytical mind, so that’s kind of how people like us get along… Quick jabs or deep conversation. I’m giving you more background than you care about, but for my own sake, I like the details when I learn something about myself.

All that to say, during a more serious conversation he said “I keep coming back to the trampoline versus brick wall approach to faith. Meaning if one principle in the faith fails then you don’t lose your faith, because its about something bigger. Where when your faith becomes about the principles and the rules, then it very easily breaks down.”

I’ve been really dealing with the dance between those two over the last year and a half, trampoline vs brick wall. Not to say that I don’t personally think there are some very firm and concrete things in regards to faith, but some things are very fluid issues, and if I let my faith shatter over them- I’ve missed the whole point of faith, it’s not a set of principles to uphold, but more of a dance with the Lord, He leads me and at times there are specifics and concretes but at times there is abandonment of my preconceptions of what the dance should look like or where it is headed.

Anyways, I’m still dwelling on the brick wall vs trampoline effect…but the unveiling alone of such a thought process has really brought me some healing in some areas I’ve otherwise felt jaded.

Here’s to the dance…

Relationships

Video blogging? Don’t hate.

But really, I still prefer to write, but this was helpful getting some things off my mind.

Enjoy – and maybe laugh at how awkward I am.

XO,
Me